© 2019 Jason Salas

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Perked-Up Poetry

 

 

Amish Girlfriend

 

Give me an Amish girl,

One who’s a winner,

To churn my butter, 

To cook my dinner.

And though there be

No electricity,

I hope there will be

Some sparks

Between she and me.

 

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Belting Things Out

When I was svelte, I wore me a belt,

A small one of pricey fine leather,

But then came the rolls, and used up my holes,

And I’m at the end of my tether.

I could blame myself, for my lapse of health,

But doing such would be degrading.

It’s much better thinking the belt’s the one shrinking,

Whilst ego and I keep inflating.

 

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Blythe

In my life,

I’ve been to Blythe,

Twythe.

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Breakfast for Dinner

 

Breakfast for dinner is fine.

It can be a fun way to dine.

But keep with the theme,

Drink coffee with cream,

‘Cause pancakes don’t go well with wine.

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Circular Working

Monday morning starts it up,

Tuesday coffee in my cup,

Wednesday half-way point is passed,

Thursday’s second wind at last,

Friday likes to have some fun,

Before you know it, weekend’s done.

 

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Comfy Clothes

She’d like to wear her comfy clothes,

     But she looks like a slob in those.

Why can’t they make her panty hose,

     More comfortable to wear? Who knows?

 

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Curd Sensitive

Large curd cottage cheese is a wonderful food

(the small curd feels like it’s already been chewed).

 

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Dog Hair Sensitive

I couldn’t care less for the Mexican Hairless,

Give me something harrier like a Yorkshire Terrier.

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Dumb Belles and Gym Beaus

Dumb Belles and Gym Beaus,

Working out in tight-fitting clothes.

Are they browsing the meat market’s selection?

Nope, they’re too busy staring at their own reflection.

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Fashion-O’s

I don’t wear jewelry on my toes.

I don’t like wearing rings on those.

I’ve also never pierced my nose.

Nor had my hair done in corn rows.

A stylish look I never chose.

A little boring, I suppose.

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Heart Word Limerick

I spoke from the voice of my chest,

And regretted the words I expressed.

I found out much later,

Regret is far greater,

When words of the heart are suppressed.

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Haiku at the Bat

A fastball is thrown

The batter swings and misses

Pitcher gets a “K”

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Haiku-Doodle-Doo

Farmers wake early,

Because when the rooster crows,

There’s no snooze button.

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Hike One Haiku

The flea-flicker play:

Hand it off then toss it back.

You are so tricky

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Kiss Off

 

Kiss me goodbye or you can kiss me goodbye.

Shut up and make use of your pucker.

Don’t give me no lip, just give me your lips.

If you don’t suck face, you’re a sucker.

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Lamentations For Prior Behavior Regarding Sensitivity Or The Lack Thereof

 

Poking at the bruises and slapping the sun burnt skin,

This sadly describe how insensitive I’ve been.

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Lawyer Sets His Own Bar

The lawyer who’ll spin,

    Any words just to win,

Is Shakespeare of sorts,

    Only marred.

So I’m not impressed,

    With his eloquent mess,

And henceforth, will dub him 

    “Dis-Bard”.

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Low-Carb German Chocolate Cake

Chocolate cake with coconut icing, I dare say that sounds enticing.

A low-carb way to enjoy this treat, is substituting the cake with meat.

You should also swap the icing for bacon.  What a tasty treat we’re makin’!

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Meatballs: The Poem

 

Meatballs the movie,

Was not so groovy.

Meatballs the dinner,

Now that’s a winner!

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Much to Fritter About Fritters

To fritter is to waste,

     Just a little by a little.

          To fritter is to apple, 

               In the middle, in the middle.

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Nighttime Invite-Time

My nighttime is coupled with wine.

I’d like your nighttime to be coupled with mine.

The three of us would get along fine.

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Nurses’ Shoes

Nurses’ shoes are comfy, albeit unsightly.

Nurses’ shoes lose all value if they fit too tightly.

Nurses’ shoes are good for walking around inside a bit.

Nurses’ shoes aren’t good on ice ‘cuz they tend to slide a bit.

Nurses’ shoes can prove to be an invaluable item,

Especially for the nurses who’re always inside ‘em.

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Ode Rage

 

Ode, I know it’s not quite right to write about you in ode form.

One may see it as trying to bite one’s teeth.

Others may feel it as a fitting approach.

That’s just the thing with you, isn’t it Ode?

You have transformed.

You were accepted in poetic and semi-poetic circles as a medium for expression.

But now, sadly, you have become an unused enigma.

Where once you were bellowed in a rhythmic and articulate fashion,

And now, sorrowfully, you give your listeners brain lice that no amount of scratching can subdue.

Dare I say you have undergone a metamorphosis?

Dare I reduce you to mere grounds submerged below a shallow brown pool in a deserted cup of Kafka?

Dare I reference Kafka even though I never read any of his work?

That’s not the point.

You will remain, Ode.

The utilization of you to you ensures it, at least for a little while.

So what if you’re not as short and punchy as Haiku?

So what if you’re not as popular with the beatniks as free verse?

So what if you don’t rhyme?

It’s what makes you the Ode.

And, no, no, they can’t take that away from you.

This all goes to show that the days of Ode are not in the past.

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Ode to Breakfast

 

Breakfast, you are by far my favorite meal of the day.

You are not just my favorite but also the favorite of many individuals.

Numerous eateries serve you all day.

They rarely do that with lunch, much less with dinner.

If I had an infinite amount of fingers, I could try to count your many tasty ingredients.

If I had an infinite amount of tortillas, oh, the various burritos I could concoct.

Breakfast, even in your cold pizza or donut state, you remain a joy.

Some say that you are the most important meal of the day.

I say that you’re the only meal of the day.

Yes, I no longer eat lunch or dinner.

I only eat Breakfast, Breakfast 2 at noon, and Breakfast 3 in the evening.

Sometimes I’ll have Breakfast 2.1 as a snack.

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Ode to the Bad Movie

Why did I sit through your entire presentation?

If you were a salesman, I would have politely stated that I was 

     not interested.

If you were my dinner, I would have feigned fullness to avoid 

     finishing you.

If you were an itchy wool sweater, I would have removed you.

Yet I sat through you.

I listened to the entirety of your trite dialogue.

I endured your pathetic attempts to pull my heartstrings or to 

     arise laughter.

I even followed your paltry subplots.

Upon your completion, I rued the event.

I paid good money for you.

Be it at the movie house or on DVD, maybe even instant 

     stream.

I do not wish to have my money back,

What I want is ever more valuable.

Bad movie, you owe me two hours.

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Ode to the Taco Salad

Taco salad, you’re my kind of salad.

Other salads have leafy veggies,

Other salads have carrots.

Other salads have cucumbers.

You have seasoned ground beef,

You have sour cream,

You have guacamole.

Both salads contain lettuce and tomato, sometimes cheese,

But only you, taco salad, have the X-factor,

For you come in an edible bowl made from deep fat fried masa.

Other salads, they are without one,

I hear necessity breeds invention.

Where then is your crouton bowl?

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On Chihuahuas In The Kitchen On Linoleum In Haiku Form

Small Chihuahua dog

Pitter-patter on the floor

Your nails are so long

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Overrated

 

Some say “overrated” would be overstated,

And so would the inverse of such.

I say “underrated” is quite understated,

Albeit, that’s not saying much.

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Penchant 

I have a penchant,

For saying “I shan’t”,

Though I know I shan’t.

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Pet

The only pet your pet will get,

Is the pet your pet will let.

If the pet won’t let you pet it,

Then don’t pet it, just forget it.

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The Piercing Truth 

The man with a sword,

(Who knows how to wield it),

Will boast how his blade found its prey,

And thus killed it.

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Poem at 11:49 AM

Throughout workday labor,

Remember your neighbor,

In yonder small cubicle cell.

If he’s in a crunch,

Then pick him up lunch,

And pick me up something as well.

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Poem At 2:39 PM

I work all week,

To make ends meet.

Wouldn’t it be neat,

To make weekends meet?

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Poem For My Gift To You

Perhaps the gift I got you,

Was not the one I ought to.

Perhaps you’ll feel

        you’re better suited,

                 with something else.

           (Receipt included)

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Poem For The Junk Drawer

Some things you use,

Some things you don’t,

Some things you’ll need,

Some things you won’t.

But if you happen upon something you don’t think you’ll use and don’t think you need and you throw it out and you forget to tell your husband you tossed it,

He’ll think he lost it.

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Poem For Expense Accounts

A few days left to use it,

Or else you’re going to lose it.

Too bad it can't be spent,

On something good, like rent.

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Poem for February

 

February,

You are short.

You are sweet.

Your fourteenth day’s a lover’s treat.

And though you’re a month that couples adore,

I think it’s the florists who love you much more.

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Poem for Snow Days

There are no days like snow days,

Those I-don’t-have-to-get-up-and-go-days.

The only drag there is about ‘em,

Is when we have to go without ‘em.

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Poem For The Playoffs

Playoffs!

Play out?

Play good, Play often, Play on!

Play awful, Play out, Play off!

Play ball!

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Poem Regarding Implements of Deterrence

They say they’re spraying pepper spray,

    Where once they just sprayed mace.

        If you get sprayed, it’s safe to say,

                It’s jalepeño face.

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Poem To Those Who Market Bacon

Why do you call it bacon,

When you know we don’t bake it, we fry it.

Why not call it frycon,

I bet you more people will buy it.

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Proper Penguin Attire

Some say that penguins are wearing tuxedos,

I say they’re just wearing elegant Speedos.

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Rear Ended

 

About your backside, my dear.

Your rump, your bottom, your rear.

It’s stuck in that chair,

And going nowhere,

Now go get your butt into gear!

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Scratch That

 

I’ve been smitten by a kitten,

But that’s no match,

For being smitten by

An adult cat scratch.

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Simply Stated

Waste no word,

Get message heard.

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Skinny Supermodel

When it comes to the

    skinny supermodel,

She resembles a straw

    instead of a bottle.

I don’t see the fun in

    just dating a skeleton,

When you can have one

    with a little more gelatin.

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Small Poem

This poem is so small,

It’s hardly a poem at all.

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“Surly” You Jest 

I am a jester

And I serve my king.

I dance and make jolly,

Good humor I bring!

 

Yet, lo, I’m not happy,

But burdened instead.

For if there’s no laughter,

It’s “OFF WITH HIS HEAD!”

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Talking Serving Tables Blues

With apologies to Bob Dylan

Talking Serving Tables Blues

With apologies to Bob Dylan

 

Clocked me in at five ‘till four, tied on my apron and hit the floor.

Asked the hostess where I was, the girl ignored me just because.

I thought that was rude,

    Couldn’t tell her though,

        Customers were coming in.

 

I figured out which section was mine, the chart up front said section nine.

I wasn’t s’posed to close the place, I felt the blood rush to my face,

Why’s this always gotta happen to me?

    Who was s’posed to close?

        Bet you they called in sick!

 

How come no one understands and schedules me when I got plans?

Why don’t they just assume the worst and schedule extra servers first?

Everyday someone doesn’t show up.

    Everyday someone’s gotta cover for someone.

 

“Anybody want to close?” I asked, but everybody seemed to pass.

It happens every time no doubt, nobody wants to help me out.

I say, “You owe me one.”

    They say, “Any other time but tonight.”

        I say, “I’d owe you big time!”

            They say, “Sorry, dude.”

 

By that time the hostess sat me twice, I gave a grin and acted nice.

Went to get some silverware, looked in the bin but found none there.

Wouldn’t you know it?

    It figures.

        Bad start to the night.

 

Only one way a night like this could be leadin’, and before I knew it I was weedin’.

Filled up my tables then 1, 2, 3 more.  I don’t know what she triple sat me for.

Why’d you seat them in my section?

    I don’t know if I can get to them.

        Will you at least greet them.

            Agh!  I’ll just do it myself!

 

Every order I was takin’, people makin’ complicatin’.

Extra this and none of that, “Does this have carbs?”, “Is this low-fat?”

Please don’t get too specific.

    The cooks will hate me.

        I’m not even sure they liked me to begin with.

 

It’s dying down, or so I thought until I looked out into the parking lot.

Just cut two servers from off the floor when a bunch of folks walked in the door.

Seven coaches.,

    Five sets of parents,

        Two high school basketball teams,

            One baby.

 

Biggest big top I ever seen, tried to get some tables clean.

There’s no way to accommodate ‘em, hungry people that think we hate ‘em.

We don’t hate you.

    We’re glad you’re here.

        We just don’t like no-call/no-shows.

 

I don’t know how, but I served ‘em all, in record time as I recall.

Cooks whipped up them meals quick, with hungry folks it does the trick.

They gave me a good tip.

    I was afraid I’d get stiffed.

        Not that I’m complaining.

                I’m just saying it happens sometimes, that’s all.

 

End of the night I’m counting my money, looking back it all seems funny.

Thinkin’, “Gotta wash this shirt”, when without warning, my manager asks me to work in the morning.

Remember that guy who didn’t show up today?

    He ain’t showin’ up tomorrow.

        Or the day after that, if you catch my drift.

 

“All of your customers can be half right all of the time

Half of your customers can be all right half of the time

But it ain’t all right to try to serve all your customers in half the time.’

I think Abe Lincoln said that.

 

“You can seat this one in my section if I can seat the next one in yours.”  I said that.

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Tax Attacks

We raise the axe,

To battle tax.

With hacks and whacks,

We stage attacks.

But we grow lax,

And tax reacts.

Attacks in packs,

Behind our backs,

It racks and stacks.

Those are the facts.

add your own text and edit me. It's easy.

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To Do Haiku

On my to do list,

There are so many items,

I add “find more time.”

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Traffic Clots

 

People who move slow

Are clots in the flow

On the street, on the highway,

On the path, on the byway...

Outta my way!

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Valentine Note For The Spouse Who Is An I.T.

Push the buttons:

U>Ctrl>F8, U, C, Esc>2>Home, &, Return>2>M+E, !, X+O+X+O

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Valentine Note For The Postman In Your Life

Valentine, you are a Postman.

You must have been a beautiful Preman.

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Wilderness Survival

 

I’m hoping that you’ll,

        Be safe with this rule:

               “Where there’s bears,

                          Be elsewheres!”

 

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