© 2019 Jason Salas

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Cowboy Coffee

A simple, gritty, straightforward blend.

 

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Advice

Apples

Auger

British Coffee

Boredom

Butter

Cat Friend

Chess

Character

Chocolate Therapy

Chores

City Bus

Computer

Deviled Eggs

Diet

Diet Drink

Double Down

Down Under

Everything

Fame

Firecrackers and Fiber Crackers

Flute

Frozen Treats

Good Food

Hip Hop

Home Shows

Illness Prevention

Madder

Middlewear

Money

More Boredom

Myths

Neighbors

Passé

Resolutions

Rings

Secret of Life

Security

Short and Sweet

Silver Spoon

Speed Limit

Squirrel Technology

Sum of its Parts

Tip

Toys and Tools

Vanity

Words of Size

 

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Advice

 

If there’s one bit of advice I can give you, it would be this: “Don’t take advice from strangers.”

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Apples

 

The apple is a interesting fruit. Children take an apple for their teacher to show their appreciation. There’s also that belief that somehow apples are a sort of Kryptonite for medical practitioners. I’ve often wondered, do medical students give their teachers apples or is that against the rules.

 

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Auger

Around the beginning of every new year, some folks find themselves wanting to “get in shape”. They get in shape by jogging or going to a gym or weight lifting facility. Why spend good money for something you can do at home? Use that money for something useful such as an auger. I usually work up a good sweat just digging holes.

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British Coffee

 

Someone once told me that the British aren’t as keen on coffee as us U.S. folk. I guess it’s safe to say that coffee isn’t their cup of tea.

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Boredom

It never ceases to amaze me how these young kids today retain that they are bored all the time. Why, they have more things around them for amusement than anything. What we should do is take away their video games, take away their televisions, and take away their computers. Then they can see what it was like back when I was a kid. That way they’ll get an appreciation for what true boredom is.

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Butter

They used to say butter made the batter better. Then they said butter made you fatter if you put it in the batter. Now they say it’s not the butter but the batter that makes you fatter. I think the latter about the batter making you fatter is better than the other matter about the butter. So if the wife wants to add a pat of butter to make the batter better, let ‘er.

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Cat Friend

 

They say the dog is man’s best friend. I tend to agree with this view. What about the cat though? Shouldn’t the cat get something as well? Is the cat ‘Woman’s Best Friend’? Then I think about my wife and how she really doesn’t have a best friend but instead she has ‘girlfriends’. Would this make the cat ‘Woman’s Girlfriend’? Then I think about the cat and how it’s not really a friend but just something that sometimes wants attention but mostly wants to sleep. Therefore, I dub the cat, ‘Lady’s Little Lazy Roommate’.

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Chess

 

You can start a game of chess with a friend who happens to live some distance away from you. What you do is write him a letter asking him if he would like to play a game of chess through the post. Be sure to pick a friend that’s not too old. Trust me on this one.

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Character

 

Bad character is easier to produce than good character. This is true in our everyday life as well as comic book life.

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Chocolate Therapy

 

Sometimes if your wife is feeling sad, eating chocolate helps. If at all possible, try to eat the chocolate in the other room so your wife doesn’t see you and get more upset because you didn’t save any for her.”

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Chores

 

I have a good idea for a new home video game. It’s called ‘Chores’. The kids do virtual chores and get points. If they take on more chores and perform them well, their point total will increase. Maybe they’ll live out the game in real life and have some fun with it. At this point, I think anything is worth a shot.

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City Bus

 

Some folks think that there’s a stigma attached to riding the city bus; that it is not "cool." What they don’t understand is that riding the city bus is an economic alternative to owning an automobile. What’s more, sometimes the bus driver need to make up on time and thus rips down the street at an incredibly high velocity. I believe such activity would be considered by the young folks as "extreme" thereby rending it “cool."

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Computer

 

Everyone says they need a computer yet most people only use their computer to write emails, surf the web, or play the solitaire. If it’s correspondence you crave, use a pen and paper. If you want to surf the web, do so at the library. If it’s solitaire you want, buy a deck of cards. Now that you don’t need that computer of yours, I’d be happy to take it off of your hands for about $50.

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Deviled Eggs

 

Why do people bring Deviled Eggs to church potluck dinners? Of all things!

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Diet

 

Most people say that they are or are not on a diet. This is odd since a diet is basically any food that an organism ingests on a regular basis. For example, my dog is on a diet of kibble. If I feed him less kibble, he’s not really on a diet since he’s still on a diet of kibble. If you think about it this way, you can go around telling folks that you are on a diet and there’s nothing they could possibly say or do that would make you stray from it.

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Diet Drink

 

I know of a diet drink that has no crazy chemicals, no aftertaste, and is inexpensive. It’s called water.

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Double Down

 

Chances are you’ve probably heard the phrase “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” Now, how does that fit in with “Rainy days and Mondays always get you down”? What happens if your Monday just so happens to be rainy? Could you then be double down? There are some folks in the gaming business that say that’s not such a bad thing after all.

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Down Under

 

My wife asked me if I wanted to go down under. I asked, "Down under where, Darling?" She responded, "Australia." apparently they must have caverns there, possibly like those in Carlsbad, NM.

 

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Everything

 

First you hear, “The devil is in the details” then you hear, “Don’t sweat the small stuff”. Then, “Focus on the big picture,” followed by, “It’s the little things that matter.” It’s altogether too confusing. What they need is a new phrase that states, “Pay attention to all the big stuff and all the little stuff and everything in between because you’re going to have to anyways.” There. That seems to cover it all nicely.

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Fame

 

Too many of our young adults want fame. These poor souls are spending time and money to try to be the next big thing for people to look at. What those Hollywood people fail to mention is that fame comes at a price and that price is your privacy. Trust me, I’ve been there. Back in ’74 I was on a popular television game show. After that, the townsfolk started calling me ‘Moviestar’ and would ring me up at all hours to talk about my experience. This went on for about three weeks. It’s not easy being famous.”

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Firecrackers and Fiber Crackers

 

Firecrackers and fiber crackers are two distinctly different things. Yet both may yield explosive results.

 

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Flute

 

A lot of folks think that the flute is meant only for the ladies. I think this is a sad notion because there are probably a lot of guys out there who may be good at the flute but feel as if there is some sort of stigma attached to it. Maybe if we fashioned a pair of motorcycle handlebars with the same holes and what not as a flute has it will appeal to more men. I know I’d be more apt to try it.

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Frozen Treats

Going out to get frozen treats is a peculiar event when it comes to my family. I enjoy myself a nice scoop or two of ice cream. My wife and my daughter, on the other hand, will only have frozen yogurt on account of calories and what not. Perhaps I can say, “I scream for ice cream but those in tow blurt frozen yogurt.”

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Good Food

 

One does not have to be an old hippie or even one of those new hippies to know that all natural foods are good for you. Any farmer will tell you the same thing. Unfortunately, so many people have gotten into the habit of only eating prepared and processed restaurant-type food. People live on hamburgers and chicken fingers and fried potatoes. Where are their beef cuts or their grilled fish filets? More importantly, where are the fresh, green veggies? Why do all the meals have to be accompanied by potato chips, corn chips, or French fries? This is the stuff that’s used to fatten livestock. Try some fresh produce from your store. You’ll feel better physically and mentally. This is something the hippies and non-hippies have in common. In the end, all we are saying is “Give peas a chance”.

 

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Hip Hop

Someone should inform these kids that, in their later years, they can look forward to less hip-hopping action and more hip popping action.

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Home Shows

 

The wife can’t get enough of these shows about decorating your home. She watches all sorts of shows concerning this matter. She especially likes the shows where the people compete to do the best job of redecorated a room of sorts with paint and what not. She says that these shows are “football for women.” If this is the case, which team is the home team?

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Illness Prevention

The holiday season involves giving and receiving. This not only goes for gifts but for the cold and the flu. It is because of the latter that I devised this little anti-sickness method: If there’s someone whom you have suspicions of being sick in your vicinity, simply hold your breath and move away from them. When you are in a safe distance from them, exhale forcefully to blow the germs away from you. Don’t let the sick person see you doing this though. Sometimes folks are a bit self-conscious and they’ll think they have bad breath.

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Madder

 

I’m not fond of the advice of some people when they say, "Don’t get mad, get even". That’s just not a good way to live. In fact, if a matter makes you mad even to the point to which you want to get even, don’t. It’s no secret that retribution of a vengeful nature only perpetuates the problem. If you just let it go, the whole thing usually blows over. I think the saying should be, "Don’t get mad and don’t get even because getting even will only get you even madder when it shouldn’t even matter."

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Middlewear


Underwear is worn under all clothing. Outerwear is worn over all clothing. Using this logic, "all clothing" should be deemed "middlewear". Next time I see a woman wearing a nice blouse, I may just compliment her by saying "I like your middlewear. It is nice." I bet she will like that.

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Money

 

You shouldn’t let money be your biggest concern in life. Sure, we all need and use money but there’s all together too much emphasis on money itself. I think this is partly because the name is so easy to say. Do you think we would feel the same about money if it were called “rfulplexticrestulagum”? Try making a catchy game show name out of that!

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More Boredom

 

If you happen to be one of these people who insists that they’re ‘bored’, I would like to guide your attention to any professional wrestling television program. When it comes to taxing your brain, this may very well be in your bracket.

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Myths

 

When I was younger, I had heard of a car that operated with water as it’s fuel. Now I hear that we have something very similar to this with the fuel cell car. This is kind of like finding out a myth isn’t a myth after all. I hope the same people that found this car are able to find Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.

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Neighbors

 

Some of you kids may not know this, but not so long ago, people actually talked to their neighbors. Some of the folks in my generation still do. However, I really can’t blame people for not visiting with their neighbors. Sometimes you don’t know if your neighbor’s some type of weirdo or psycho. Other times neighbors just want to be left alone to watch their television sets. Still other times your neighbor might be avoiding you because he broke your lawnmower and doesn’t want to fess up to it. If this is the case, I just want to say that I’m not mad at you, Carl.

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Passé

 

Folks used to use the term “passé” all the time when I was younger. I wonder why they don’t anymore.

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Resolutions

 

Many people will set themselves up for disappointment with their failed attempts at New Year’s Resolutions. They plan to quit bad habits or to better themselves only to give up come February. Next time you make a resolution, tell yourself that you’ll go as far as Valentine’s Day. If you continue after that, well that’s what I call sauce for the goose.

 

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Rings

 

They say the postman never rings twice. Why can’t this be true with telemarketers?

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Secret of Life

 

Do you want to know the secret of life? Good. By that I mean, be good, do good, think good, eat good, love good, work good…

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Security

 

We all want to live in a place where we don’t have to worry about intruders and the like; a place where we would be surrounded by good folks and security. One such environment is a senior citizens’ community. Another would be an Air Force Base. It’s a shame they don’t just combine them. There’s got to be a tax break in there somewhere.

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Short and Sweet

 

Here's how to keep things short and sweet. You’re welcome.

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Silver Spoon

 

Don’t ever lament the fact that you weren’t born and raised in an affluent family. It is my understanding that sometimes when a child born with a silver spoon in his mouth, he may want to live a spoon-fed life.

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Speed Limit

I don’t understand why folks like to drive so fast. They zip up and down residential streets at speeds up to and around 50 mph. This is very dangerous not only for the person in or around the street (quite possibly a child), but also for the driver of the vehicle (quite possibly a child as well). They should limit speed to the drivers age (i.e., if the driver is 25 years old, he should only be able to drive 25 mph and so on). By the time you’re able to drive fast, you’d know better not to.

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Squirrel Technology

 

There are literally dozens of squirrels around and about my house. They’re always scurrying around looking on the ground for acorns. Do you think science has a way of teaching these little monsters how to pick up after my dog? Now THAT would be technology’s finest hour.

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Sum of its Parts

 

Sometimes an item is worth more than the sum of its parts. However, if some of its parts are missing, it’s actually worth less than the sum of its parts. This is true with jigsaw puzzles, watches, and that old sedan I have parked out in the back of my house.

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Tip

 

Lots of folks don’t know how much to tip the waitress at an eatery. All you have to do is take your total, divide it by π, take the square root, and then double that number. This will give you a pretty good estimate on what to leave.

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Toys and Tools

 

Kids nowadays can’t comprehend what constitutes a good Christmas present. They want toys that are instant and ready-to-play with. One of the best Christmas gifts I ever received was a set of tools. It allowed me to make my own toys. I encourage you to get a set of tools for your youngster. Imagine the pride in his eyes when he uses those tools to build his own robot or video game console.

 

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Vanity

 

Men, don’t concern yourself with vanity. Vanity is for the lady folk and even they should not concern themselves with it too much. What I’m saying is, if you have to choose between purchasing pomade for yourself or mascara for your wife, get the mascara You can always use lard if you’re in a pinch.

 

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Words of Size

 

I find it odd that the word “short” is longer than the word “long” in terms of letter usage. What’s even more interesting is by making the word “short” into “shorter” you’ve only made it that much longer than “long”. When you think of it, it goes for the words “little” and “big” too. Now, would it compound the issue to say that less is more?

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